Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Another gratuitous attack

Time to offend another large section of the population with a completely uncalled for, prejudiced rant.

Umbrellas. Um-bloody-brellas. At the first drop of drizzle, out they come, quadrupling the amount of pavement space each person takes up, and imperilling the eyeballs of those sensible enough to eschew this idiocy.

Why do you need a bloody umbrella? It's only a drop of water. How do you manage to have a shower, for heaven's sake, if you're scared of getting wet? If it really bothers you then get a coat. And a hat. Have you any idea how daft you look carrying your own personal little roof around with you? Particularly if it's one of those cheap crap folding ones and you spend more time shaking it and trying to turn it the right way round than actually sheltering under it.

More to the point, have you any idea how selfish and thoughtless you are being? Just because everybody else is doing it, doesn't make it OK you know. It's not just the eyes. When you're carrying the thing on the tube, do you realise that you're jabbing the point of it into the thigh of the person behind you? When you leave it on the office floor, open, to dry, can you not see that it's in everyone else's way, dripping? And when you are at an outdoor spectacle, does it not occur to you that you are obscuring the very view that the people behind you have every much right as you to see? Amazingly, utterly amazingly, this really does not seem to occur to people. Ask them to put the umbrella down and they look at you as if you're the stupid one, and say, but it's raining. Bloody go indoors if you don't like it, and let us hardier souls enjoy whatever it is we have come to see unimpeded.

Umbrellas are the ultimate manifestation of selfish individualism on an everyday level. I'm-all-right-Jack under my little shelter; sod the inconvenience to everyone else.

Tomorrow: wheeled suitcases.


Halfie said...

I'm a hat-wearer myself, as you can see, but may I make one plea in mitigation for the brolly? It keeps the rain/snow off the camera if you're trying to take a photograph (if it's good enough for Andrew Denny ( http://www.grannybuttons.com/granny_buttons/2009/02/snowflakes-dancing-at-apsley-lock.html )...) Not that I ever think to have one with me, of course. In fact, I can't remember the last time I used one.

S said...

Yes, mitigation accepted. Only not if you try to do it in a busy London street!

Adam said...

Excellent -- I thought it was just me. I dislike umbrellas with a passion too, and people always seem surprised when I say I don't own one. It also means that I know it doesn't rain as often as everyone thinks; I find I get wet relatively rarely.


PS: Did you see I put a picture of Tarporley on my blog last week? It was moored outside King's Place, which I guess makes the boat a Guardianista.

S said...

Hadn't seen it but just spent a happy few minutes browsing your lovely London photos whilst polishing off a box of wasabi peanuts. Oops, there's the last one gone. Got to approach the Graun about possible custom/sponsorship for Tarporley.

James said...

In further mitigation, having a large golf umbrella lets you stand snug, warm, and drier in your trad stern in the rain.

I'll go ahead and admit it- I bought one yesterday, but only so I could move the boat in the rain and stay dry! It makes me long for a dutch barge when it chucks it down...

S said...

No, I am not persuaded by that one. Firstly, how do you hold the umbrella? Secondly, as a boater, you are meant to be tough. What you need is a nice sou'wester.

James said...

...but with a Sou'wester, the rain gets in your tea. Or G&T.

I get my fill of being roughtty-toughty sitting in a puddle in the back of rowing boats, being thrown around and feeling like buckets of water are being regularly emptied over my head. I like my narrowboating to be relaxing, having already sufficiently proved my roughty-toughty credentials.

I've got a feeling we may have to agree to disagree over using them on boats- but I'm behind you all the way about using them (or, rather, wishing people would not use them) in towns!