Recycling

Remember that box full of discarded bits we brought back from Russell Newbery? And you know how boaters love to recycle and find new uses for things? So let me introduce this season's stylish new range from Warrior Products.

We start with this highly effective doorstop, made from fashionably distressed cast iron. Weighing in at, ooh, a good few pounds (or kilos, according to preference) it will mean the end of your slammed door woes. Effective up to force seven winds on deep pile carpet; force three on hard floors. You will be the envy of your neighbours, who have only cheap Chinese alloy farm animals.

Or how about the latest in paper management solutions. Say goodbye to blown-about papers with this stunning paperweight, assembled from a contrasting combination of complementary metals and incorporating fourteen perfect spheres traditionally crafted from carbon steel. Pick it up; fiddle with it - it doubles as an engrossing executive toy! What's more, it will leave a slight trace of oil on all it touches, making it easy to track down those stolen papers. Also effective against cats.

Finally, may we introduce our new and highly exclusive range of jewellery. Phosphor bronze is this year's must-have precious metal, and these chunky bangles, crafted by artisans using traditional manufacturing techniques, utilise its qualities to breathtaking effect. Wear one on its own for that sophisticated evening look, or how about a pair to be really eye-catching. As an added bonus, regular wear will help to build up the arm muscles. They are also very handy in fights.

Unfortunately, all these products are so exclusive that we don't actually have any spare ones to sell. But never mind, you couldn't afford them anyway.

Brought to you through the inspiration of the Viking office products catalogue, whose (genuine) strapline
Toasters: the stylish and convenient way to make toast
is beyond parody.